Apologies...

I'm sorry, I did not intend to put you all in a depression...just let me add...I cry myself to sleep every night...I KID..hahaha...its every second night...


So...how about I lighten the mood....


James' 8 month photo...







I can't believe he is 8 months already...where did my baby boy go?


I don't have much to blog about...I don't watch TV anymore...I hardly get out anymore...yeah, that's depressing...but I am excited about the upcoming theatrical release of Eclipse...Lindsay and I have gone to every Twilight movie together...I am looking forward to that...

In other fabulous news...I put myself on a month diet...since the 1st of June, I have not eat any junk...as in chocolate, chips..grease...I do allow myself veggie pizza...I have also been doing my wii fit 2-3x a week and I am proud to announce I have lost 15lbs since then...that gives me a total of over 25 lbs since March break...let me tell ya...nothing like a loved one dying to kill the appetite...the week I was told my dad was terminal, I literally ate nothing for 5 days...just water...I was not hungry..and that is really unusual, as I am an emotional eater...well I thought I was...

Something else shocking....Hallie finishes school this week...she goes and gets her report card tomorrow...holy shit...grade 3 here we come...I am looking forward to being able to sleep in past 6:30, not fighting over what she wears, homework and early bedtime...summer will fly by though..it always does...good thing..as I hate summer...

Doug also finished school a few weeks ago, well we did it...we survived almost a whole year of Doug not working and going to school everyday...I think he is pretty darn proud of himself as we all are...one year left and he will be graduating and working on airplanes, which I am not entirely thrilled about...I have this morbid worry that he may get sucked into the engine of a plane..he came home from school one day describing the many ways an airplane mechanic can die on the job...fall in the engine, incinerated by the engine, fall from the plane, die in a plane crash, get locked in a compartment and left to die...oy vey!

Leah's birthday is next week...I was going to make her a cake, but I just don't have the motivation anymore...so I am going to order her cake and just have a quiet celebration with close family...the last 2 years have gone by so fast...

Have a super safe week and tell your loved ones you love 'em!

Tough

When looking up the word tough in the dictionary...it gives this..."Tough: demanding or troubling: difficult.."

Looking back over my life, I think I went through more than enough "tough" times...

When I was a child...my parents divorced...it was tough to deal with....

Struggling to find myself as a teenager...I had acne, glasses and braces...enough said!

Ending the teenage years...graduating university, ending a long and borderline abusive relationship..it was tough....

My early twenties found me married and a mom...my baby was placed in the NICU for a week or so....that was tough..

My dad having liver failure and essentially "dying" until a donor could be found....yeah, that was tough...

Forward to having 2 more babies, and those babies also placed in the NICU for weeks...yep, you guessed it...tough...

But nothing has prepared me for watching my dad suffer with cancer...everything else pales in comparison...I don't think there is anyway to describe it....its like taking a car and stripping it, you can take all the doors and shit off, rip the motor out...and its still a car, but yet it can't possibly function or drive like a car....well, you get the point...

My dad...bless him, is the strongest, gentlest and greatest man I will ever have the privilege to know...and if you know him too, consider yourself very lucky...I have never seen my dad angry or even really mad...he keeps the same serene composure... yes, he has his skeletons...but who doesn't?

I read the obituaries everyday, hey..I am over 30...life is uncertain....there was one obituary that stood out...a beautiful 52 year old mother of 3...lost her battle with cancer...and when they write battle, it really is a battle....anyhoo...they had a photo of her...she was beautiful, you can tell she was so happy and full of joy and life when it was taken...but I bet when she died, there was no beauty...she was probably rail thin, in constant pain...too drugged to have a quality conversation with loved ones....cancer is an efficient thief....

One year ago, my dad could hear, he could see, he could taste food and enjoy eating...he could drive, he could put in a whole days work if he had too...and most importantly, he could get on the floor and play with his grand kids, also give them a good chase too....

I don't have "that" dad anymore....cancer took that dad from me, but I guess I am still left with all the good bits, the important bits...his love

Cancer: you won't win the whole battle... you can't take his love, his generosity and his determination and his memory...


I love you daddy....and we will soldier on together....

Numb...

My dad's cancer has spread...and according to the experts...it will kill him, likely before the end of the year...

Please say a quick prayer for my dad to whomever you pray to...God, Allah, Jehovah...

I've got 3 kids that love and need their grandad....

My blog will not be updated for awhile, I am trying to process too much...

Positive thoughts please..

My father has been in the hospital since last week...his cancer is worsening...